How to Deal with Flying Monkeys After Leaving a Toxic Relationship
- rouladahhak
- May 11
- 3 min read
By Dr. Roula al-Dahhak, M.D. | Neurologist & Trauma-Informed Coach
Leaving a toxic relationship is hard enough. But what happens when the abuse doesn’t stop — it just changes form?
What if the person you left recruits others to shame you, guilt you, pressure you to “be the bigger person,” or even spy on you?
Welcome to the world of flying monkeys — and no, we’re not talking about fairy tales.
We’re talking about the real emotional chaos abusers create when they send others to do their dirty work.
Let’s talk about what this looks like — and how to protect yourself.
What Are “Flying Monkeys”?
The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, but in psychology, “flying monkeys” are people who do the bidding of an abuser or narcissist — often unknowingly.
They may:
Defend the toxic person’s behavior
Spread rumors about you
Guilt you into re-contact
Insist you “just talk it out”
Accuse you of being the problem
Sometimes they’re friends, family members, coworkers — even therapists or religious leaders who’ve been manipulated by charm, lies, or one-sided stories.
It can feel like the abuse is following you, even after you’ve left.
1. Recognize the Manipulation Behind It
Flying monkeys are often used — just like you were.
But that doesn’t mean you owe them access to your healing or explanations.
You don’t have to defend yourself to:
People who already decided you’re the villain
People who only believe what benefits the abuser
People who gaslight your reality
If someone keeps pushing the abuser’s narrative, you don’t need to convince them.You need to protect yourself.
2. Set Firm Boundaries — Without Apology
You are allowed to:
Block people
Stop responding to messages
Leave group chats
Say, “This topic is off-limits”
Walk away from conversations that make you feel unsafe
Boundaries are not about punishment — they’re about protection.
If someone says, “You’ve changed,” take it as confirmation you’re growing.
3. Use Grounded Responses (Or No Response At All)
When you do choose to respond to a flying monkey, keep it short and emotionless:
“I’m not available for this conversation.”“Please direct your concerns to [the person involved].”“That’s not something I’m willing to discuss.”
Or: say nothing at all.
Silence can be your most powerful boundary.
4. Watch for Covert Tactics
Flying monkeys don’t always look aggressive. They may come across as:
“Concerned” friends (“Just hear them out…”)
Peacemakers (“They feel awful too, you know.”)
Guilt-trippers (“You’re tearing the family apart.”)
These aren’t neutral messengers. These are pressure tactics.
Ask yourself: Does this person make me feel safer, or smaller?
5. Remember: You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Peace
Your job after leaving a toxic relationship isn’t to manage how others see you.
Your job is to reclaim your energy, your nervous system, your truth.
Some people will never understand what you went through. That’s okay.You didn’t leave for them. You left for you.
And you don’t need their permission to heal.
Final Thoughts: Fly Above It
The abuser may still try to control the story. That’s what flying monkeys are for — keeping the spotlight off them and back on you.
But you are no longer in their circus.
Let them talk. Let them guess. Let them spin their story.
You are living yours — with clarity, truth, and freedom.
Need Support Holding Boundaries After Abuse?
I offer trauma-informed coaching for women healing from toxic relationships — including support for navigating emotional aftermath, guilt, flying monkeys, and self-trust.
📞 Call: 314-296-4404
🌐 Virtual coaching available anywhere you are
You don’t have to manage flying monkeys alone.Let’s reclaim your peace, together.
Comments