Helping Children Heal After a Toxic Relationship: What Every Parent Should Know

rouladahhak
May 5
2 min read

By Dr. Roula al-Dahhak, M.D. | Neurologist & Trauma-Informed Coach

When you’ve left a toxic relationship — whether it was with a partner, a co-parent, or another family member — you aren’t the only one healing. Your children are too.

Even if they weren’t directly abused, children living in emotionally unsafe or high-conflict environments absorb more than we realize. They notice tone, tension, silence, and fear. And just like adults, they need support to process, regulate, and rebuild their sense of safety.

Here’s how you can help them recover and thrive.

🧠 1. Understand the Brain’s Response to Toxic Stress

Children’s brains are still developing, especially the parts that manage emotions, memory, and self-regulation. Exposure to toxic relationships — yelling, manipulation, silent treatments, unpredictability — activates their fight-or-flight response.

Over time, this can lead to:

Anxiety or hypervigilance
Difficulty concentrating
Aggressive or withdrawn behavior
Trouble trusting adults or authority figures

🧠 As a neurologist, I often remind parents: This isn’t “bad behavior.” It’s a nervous system calling for safety.

2. Create an Emotionally Safe Environment

Now that you're out of the toxic dynamic, your greatest gift is consistency.

Try:

Using calm, predictable routines
Validating their feelings without rushing to fix them
Modeling emotional regulation (“I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m taking deep breaths.”)

Children don’t need perfection — they need presence and attunement.The nervous system learns safety by experiencing it, not just hearing about it.

3. Don’t Over-Explain — But Don’t Stay Silent

It’s important to be age-appropriate, but not dismissive.Children sense when something is wrong, and silence can feel more confusing than honesty.

Try saying:

“What happened wasn’t okay. We’re safe now, and I’m here to help us all feel better over time.”

Avoid blaming language (even when it’s deserved), and focus on helping your child feel heard, not pressured to pick sides.

4. Watch for Delayed Responses

Children might not “act out” right away. They may become quiet, overly helpful, or seem “too mature” for their age. These can be signs of fawning — a trauma response where children try to appease to stay safe.

Encourage play, expression, and downtime. Trauma-informed child therapists, art therapy, and safe spaces for expression can be powerful tools.

💖 5. Model Your Own Healing

Your healing is not selfish — it’s the blueprint they’ll follow.

When children see you:

Set boundaries kindly but firmly
Rest without guilt
Talk about feelings without shame
They learn it’s safe to do the same.

And if you mess up? Own it gently. “I’m sorry I snapped. I’m working on staying calm, even when I feel stressed.”

This teaches repair — one of the most powerful lessons a child can learn.

🧭 Final Thoughts: It’s Never Too Late

You may worry about the “damage” done. But brains are resilient. Relationships can heal. And even if your child didn’t grow up in perfect conditions, your commitment to healing now makes a lasting difference.

You're not just breaking cycles — you’re creating new, safer ones.

✨ Need Support?

At Coaching Post Toxic Relationship, we offer trauma-informed coaching for parents healing from toxic relationships, including guidance on supporting children’s emotional recovery.

📍 St. Louis, MO📞 314-296-4404📧 contact@coachingposttoxicrelationship.com

You’re not alone. And neither are your children.